I was excited for birth. I was excited for the challenge. I was excited to experience something so deeply feminine and biological and intense and unknown and indescribable. I wanted to be part of the club. I wasn't excited for the first 3-6 months postpartum though. I was scared for that and had been for a long as I could remember. I never really liked babies and had very little experience with them, at least when they were really little. They looked shrivelled and fragile and I didn't know what to do with them. I was also scared of all those unknowns -- sleep deprivation, worry, and generally just having a baby to care for 24hrs a day. I was right in many ways and blown away by my own ignorance in my other ways. Also... what happened to my home birth???
We didn’t do conventional prenatal classes. This is what we did instead...
Leading up to the birth, we have many decisions to make… if we choose. For us, it included choosing a midwife, prenatal classes, hypnobirthing classes, having a doula, planning a home birth, and planning my support afterwards. And then during or immediately the birth, there felt like million decisions to be made
The first time I heard about it I almost threw up. Wait... back up... the first time I heard about it I was in the lab beginning to work with breeding rats. They do it. It's normal. Is it that crazy to think that some humans do it too? It certainly isn't for anyone and science is circumstantial but it's something people are not just talking about. Some of us are doing it!
What happened to my home birth? How did I wind up in the operating room? My body healed but will I ever heal the emotional scars from it?
Despite the many negatives associated with a cesarean birth, my anesthesiologist was not one of them. He was great. And I’m not even sure he knows how great he is/was. Giving me the forewarning for all those experiences was beyond helpful. It gave me a small sense of control during a time when I felt like I had none.